Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Something Like an Inverted Pareto Principle

According to my big brother Seth, if you give a group of people a certain job or task, 2 per cent of it will make a balls of it. That's not quite how he said it being the urbane and refined wunderkind that he is, but that's what he meant.
I have to say, I know he's American, but this figure seems very low to me indeed. Here in Estonia I'd expect something a little higher (but not a lot) since it means 98 people out of a 100 will get it right if he's right, and if that were the case there wouldn't be quite so many people wandering round with long faces, moaning about the bad 'economical and financical (sic) situation'...it's got to be more than 2 per cent of the population's fault!
Maybe I'm just pessimistic though. Or maybe most of that 2 per cent happens to find themselves in positions of responsibility and authority when we'd be better off turning the tables and all having a crack at things.
I think that's what happened in Britain during the war. Everyone had a crack at being foreign secretary, or chancellor or whatever, just for about a month at a time...

Monday, December 7, 2009

BFK Recommends Dodo - Shock

Benedict Francis-Kentigern, or BFK as we know him, is an affable motoring journalist of the old school. Dropping out of some big public school somewhere in England to pursue his passion of pretending to race cars, he's acquired such an array of tweed jackets with leather elbow patches, arran sweaters and empty travel sweet tins, that you can't help but ignore him. Look forward to BFK's occasional reports on motoring, cars, and what drives the people that drive them, in his section to be found somewhere on the site.
Hi gang, I just had to tell you about I new product which I'm really excited about and which has just arrived at the Puumaja. It's called Dodo Juice, and, despite it's name, isn't really made from a dodo nor is it primarily juice, but rather a vast range of hip-to-the-jive (or whatever the young people are saying nowadays) car detailing products.
Essentially, car detailing means keeping your car's interior and exterior uber-clean, and dodo juice focuses on the latter. No more ragged sponges from under the sink, and grit-swilling bucket of fairy liquid once every 3 months, you can now wash, clay ( to removed contaminants like bits of dead fly and deeply encrusted grime) polish, wax and protect your car, all using the Dodo Juice range.
In my opinion the waxes are the flagship products and they come in a selection of 8, four 'soft' waxes and four 'hard'. There's also a limited edition 'austintacious' range, which evokes memories of my old mini clubman days (well, I had a mini clubman key fob anyway).
These waxes look and smell very tempting (it was with a sinking feeling that my youngest grandaughter woke me up at zero-crack hundred hours when staying over the other weekend, saying 'Grandpa, this marzipan tastes funny'!) and have tropical themed names like 'Rainforest Rub' and 'Banana Armour' but there's a serious point to them. They contain Carnauba wax, derived from the leaves of a specific type of palm tree which grows in tropical latin america, and other natural ingredients including beeswax. This is what gives the waxes their protective oomph and helps to encourage passers by using your car's paintwork as a mirror.
There's a whole load more, including synthetic products called sealants, which perform a similar function to wax, quick detailing products like 'Red Mist', paraphernalia such as a huge furry glove nicknamed the 'wookie's fist' (for washing the car, it's a little more forgiving than a scouring pad I find) and even a spray called 'Time to Dry', which, believe it or not, speeds up the drying process after you've washed the car! Sunday afternoons in Shakespeare Drive will never be the same again, all the neighbours are going to want some Dodo Juice of their own now.
Well, they'll have to visit dodojuice.com to do that, or if in Estonia, they can always contact the Puumaja crew, who are now distributing this wonderful product, straight to your door if necessary. And...

ok that's enough plugging - ed

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Don't See 'Old Dogs' at the Cinema..

..I beseech you. You'd be better off watching old dogs in the street, pissing against lamposts or shagging.

I should have guessed when I saw Robin Williams and John Travolta were going to be a in a 'comedy' featuring a dog, but no...in fact the dog premise is a lame tack on, an attempted metaphor I suppose but which just wastes everyone's time including those involved. This wouldn't pass the '10 minute test' chez the Puumaja, where my flatmate and I give TV1000's nightly offerings that exact amount of time to impress. A series of unrelated, poorly based 'japes' with these totally disgusting and un-cute 'cute' kids, continual screaming and shouting and overacting, bizarre visual gags and a denoument so predictable you could see it coming from the second or third minute, it was one of those rare movies that actually leaves me feeling angry.

As someone hilariously said about another turkey, Schindler's List is funnier...

Lesson learned, always read rotten tomatoes (which gave it 5 per cent!) or something very like it before checking out a movie and don't go to the cinema just for going to the cinema (especially if it's in Tartu and you live in Tallinn!).

Saturday, December 5, 2009

On Religion

I got Hare Krishna'd the other day in the street in Tallinn, near Kaubamaja. Not for the first time...Still, far less likely to get mormonized here, than was the case in when I was working in Riga (which I'm now calling little Utah).
The guy who approached me was perfectly pleasant and not wearing any weird clobber. I later saw him having reeled someone in, a woman, they were speaking in Russian. I think that could be a part of the reason the mormons don't seem to meet with as much success, they're outsiders and, even if they may make some progress with members of the Russian community (as I think their organisation trains them up in that language, certainly all the mormons who've ever approached me have opened in Russian) they're still outsiders. Furthermore, approaching native Estonian speakers in the street in Russian isn't likely to endear yourself to them. It's just the way it is. Better to speak English.
I suspect the real reason is that Estonians simply aren't a very religious bunch at all; as you'll see, if you can find Estonia on a map, according to this survey they're right down there below even Sweden in non-belief in a deity, and coupled with a marked uneasiness with strangers makes for proselytizers having a pretty thin time of it here, especially in the winter!
I've been reflecting that, if this street proselytisation is valid (and I'm inclined to think it isn't, though if there's to be freedom of information I'm not sure how else one tackles that particular arena, for those that are genuinely interested but lack access to information) the 'correct' religion that a person could end up in might just be based on such happenstance of who you bumped into in the street. Which seems to me just wrong. No doubt they'd refer to that as God's will, providence etc, that this encounter happened. Which in some cases it could be - if the person was out looking for answers. On that other hand what if they were bludering along half drunk, or looking for a way to rebel against authority figures, or just to stand out from the crowd.
And this is my real beef with organised religion. Not that I think the whole thing is based on a lie; as an agnostic I don't believe you can prove one way or another about the existence of God, though from my own personal feelings and intuition there's something resounding down the ages, providing a basic moral framework (are there any countries where you get anything other than punished for murder, as murder?). There are truths to be found in all of the major religions and probalby most of the minor ones too. But...I believe, if you spend any time with people who claim to be representing an organized religion, sooner or later, you'll run into one or more of the following as the real reason behind their adherence:

1) cultural and historical (they were 'born a catholic' or whatever. Noone is born anything other than a baby human).
2) a badge (ie, 'you're not one of us').
3) to stand out ('my religion's different (ie better) than yours/the majority religion', etc etc).
4) to rebel ('my family were prods so I'm gonna spite them by converting to catholicism').
5) to conform ('my family are catholic and they'd never speak to me if I left the fold').
6) to get a sense of belonging ('catholics are different').
7) to get a sense of importance (you can 'be' somebody even if you're a nobody in everyday life).
8) to dominate others (religions vary hugely on hierarchies or the absence thereof, with catholicism way up there, islam much less so but with a nasty tendency to throw up self appointed seeming troublemakers. As an aside, this is a trait religions can share with the world of ESL teaching).
9) to prey (note spelling!) on others sexually (speaks for itself).
10) for something to do (especially for old ladies).
11) compelled to do it (forced attendance at 'worship', and I'm not only talking about the Taliban but this might include, in the US, court-mandated attendance at 12-step 'meetings', for example.
12) a sense of being a world changer, and almost messianic figure (Bono).
13) to proselytize (in islam it's called 'dawa'. In other words you get more kudos for the more people you hook in, and are really little more than a salesman or woman).
14) for the laughs (especially true of judaism!).
15) because you believe it is truth (ok this one's ok).

..there are probably loads of other reasons I haven't identified.

I'm not some pleb who's just watched a Richard Dawkins 'lecture' or something and proceeded to reel it off as if it's my own opinion; I've actually studied some of the major religions (including islam) in quite a lot of depth and even in the past been an active participant in (christian) communities, and as noted, I see myself as agnostic, not atheist.
I haven't really defined 'organized' and 'religion' and there's a certain vagueness here which doesn't make things any easier; indeed there collocation could be used to describe to a greater or lesser extent anything from the really major world religions, through to the smaller ones, social clubs, shamanistic local practices, crazy cults and even the 12 step groups of alcoholics anonymous and its clones.
This isn't an attempt to cause offence by dissing the various named and unnamed religions and I'd always welcome freedom of religious expression for all, including attire, right to worship, etc, something that you're unlikely to get as a dhimmi in some countries where islam prevails. But there has to be a trade off, including the right to criticize or portray religion and even God in a humourous light. But this has been raked over and over again enough in the media already, I'm not adding fuel to that fire..

Friday, December 4, 2009

On This Day 349 Years Ago...

From the pages of Pepys' diary, 4th December 1660 (Puumaja comments in [ ]).
"This day the Parliament voted that the bodies of Oliver, Ireton, Bradshaw &c, should be taken out of their graves in the Abbey, and drawn to the gallows, and there hanged and buried under it..."
[If I'm not mistaken, Oliver is none other than Oliver Cromwell, former East Anglian MP turned 'Lord Protector' of England, Scotland and Ireland and now somewhat out of favour; Henry Ireton was his son-in-law and a Parliamentary general, John Bradshaw, a judge who presided over the trial of Charles I. This episode concerns the 'execution' and mutilation of their corpses as an act of vengeance.]
"...which (methinks) do trouble me that a man of so great courage as he was, should have that dishonour, though otherwise he might deserve it enough".
[Little bit of politics, I assume Pepys kept his thoughts on this to himself (the diary was encrypted in fact). And people really did say 'methinks'!!!. I can't help thinking what a shame it is such things don't happen any more...digging up the body of out of favour politicians (former PMs spring to mind) and publicly hanging, drawing and quartering it in the middle of Westminster in the rush hour..well, you could charge money for tickets. Better than Simon Cowell anyway..]

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Unattractive Enough to be a Model

I just saw a bit of a notably asinine program from the UK, one of those 'we're gonna have to let one of you go, and this time I'm afraid it's...', which is seemingly a sacred cow of a format nowadays. In this case it was models, or would-be models, and there were the requisite tears as one of the 'contestants', with a delightfully glamorous West Midlands accent, was told she was out.
Thing was, and I don't know if this is worth saying but anyway, noone's reading, I can see stacks of far, far more beautiful girls here in Tallinn every time I step out of the house practically.
I don't say this to boast, just I find it a bit frustrating how these people are held up as paragons of beauty when to my eyes they're very unappealing-looking, androgynous or bordering on ugly.
Maybe that's not the point, and models aren't here to provided titillation for males; fine with me, and I don't doubt that the objectification of women for men's pleasure is a bad thing, in which case would you please explain to me exactly WHAT they do to enrich our lives?
No doubt their critics are less kind; if they'd had any vestige of a personality it might have been something but they were equally or even more bland and off-putting in that regard too.
One of the 'judges' on the show perhaps encapsulated it best when he said, of one of the contestants, 'she looks like a model'.....so there it is, not she's beautiful or even just attractive. Provided she conforms to the industry standard that's already been set in stone, for the time being. A bit like saying this car looks like a car.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

10 Heroes (relatively speaking) of Mine I've Outlived (at least in numbers of years - James Dean and Jimi Hendrix Guaranteed Not Included)

- Robert Johnson - musician
- Wing Commander Guy Gibson - Pilot
- John Bonham - musician
- Captain Laurence Oates - Explorer
- Francois Cevert - racing driver
- King Henry V of England - er, King. Actually he may have been slightly older depends on dates
- Jim Clark - racing driver
- Franz Schubert - composer
- Charlotte 'Marmalade Atikins' Coleman - actress
- Bobby Sands - political activist

...if I hang in another year or two I'll overtake Robbie Burns...

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Noone Killed in Freak Accident And No Footage of Celebs in Compromising Situations Here

When trying to set up a business, I've noticed a phenomenon which I call SS- concentration-camp-guards-at-the-end-of-the-war syndrome, namely, that I've switched to attempting to get on the best terms with people I previously held in utter contempt. I've suddenly started having more sympathy for internet marketers, cold callers, even spammers in a way (no let's not go that far). Or at least I seem to feel I should do.
The logic behing this is that now the boot's on the other foot and I'm my own boss, surely now I have to go out and do all the networking, sales-y stuff and the like, something which fills me with a huge amount of dread and awe I don't mind saying.
So it was nice to hear confirmation from Seth that I was right all along and if I interpret my big brother correctly, that these people are indeed scum (not that he'd couch it in such terms, gent that he is).
Anyone who thinks it's ok to hit a hundred people at the same time, no matter who they are, on the grounds that if one of them replies it's paid for itself already, never mind the effect on the other 99 people, probably doesn't deserve a high place in the pantheon of worthwhile people.
In fact I wonder if the prostitute-card placers in central London phone boxes think along the same lines.
He opens by looking at the phenomenon of juicy headline writers reeling in even otherwise sensible people with promises of scandal and hype, hence the reverse heading of this post. Check it out.
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