Others Are Not Worth The Bother.. Or Are They..

Wise words taken from 'A Guide to Rational Living' by the masters of frequently-added emphasis, Ellis and Harper, (1961) 3rd ed. pp 79.81:

This are much more complicated, of course, if you unduly care about what other members of the group think of you. For if you feel overconcerned about their approval, you will lean over backward to do what they want you to do, instead of what you want to do for yourself. Then you will tend to hate yourself for acting weakly and hate them for seeing your weakness. Or else you will do what you mainly want to do - and then worry whether they still like you for doing it.

Your overly caring for the approval of others is neurotic. But even without neurosis, your discriminating between what you would like to do and what you'd better do in group situations is difficult and often discouraging. For you want what you desire. And you also want others to feel comfortable and to approve of you - quite apart from any neurotic needs for approval that you may have. You may therefore constantly feel torn, and cannot completely resolve the conflict.

In a more complicated kind of group relationship, things get even hotter. Thus, in a highly competitive group - such as a school where pupils try to get into favourite colleges, or in a business office where employees compete with each other to make higher commissions or salaries - you will find it harder to do what you want to do for your own sake and also to gain and keep the favour of others.

In almost any social group, therefore, you will find it tough sledding to keep a sane, somewhat middle-of-the-road course and to avoid surrendering your personal tastes and preferences - while not antagonizing other group members. You cannot fully calculate in advance your most 'reasonable' actions, and you will shift with changing conditions. Thus, when you first enter a group, you may best keep your mouth shut and let the other members have their say. Later, you may try to get in your own two cents' worth, even though those who previously spoke up would love to continue holding the floor. Finally, you may give others a chance to talk more again. But you may never precisely determine in advance when and where to draw the line between your own active participation and your polite acceptance of others' discussion, since this depends on many different factors.

You may well acknowledge, then, the desirability of both self-expression and social accpetance. But while some form of hedonism, pleasure-seeking or enlightened self-interest seems a good plan of personal living, enlightened self-interest includes some degree of social interest as well. For if you only strive for your "own" good, and run roughshod over others, you will find that many people over whom you keep riding sooner or later thwart your "own" good. Therefore, to some extent you'd better include the good of others in your view of your own good.

Similiarly, if you mainly concentrate on striving for your immediate good, you will almost inevitably sabotage your potential future enjoyments. "Live for today, for tomorrow you may die" seems a perfectly sane philosophy-if you have a good chance of dying tomorrow. Most of the time, however, you live to the ripe old age of eighty or more these days; and your tomorrows will probably be miserable if you live only for today. At the same time, if you only live for tomorrow, you will tend to live your todays overcautiously and dully. Again, you will in the long run defeat your own ends.