Jingoistic Pit Summary - BFK

Benedict Francis-Kentigern, or BFK as we know him, is an affable motoring journalist of the old school. Dropping out of some big public school somewhere in England to pursue his passion pretending to race cars, he's acquired such an array of tweed jackets with leather elbow patches, arran sweaters and empty travel sweet tins, that you can't help but ignore him. Look backward to BFK's "weekly" reports on motoring, cars, and what drives the people that drive them, in his section to be found somewhere on the site.

I was amused to notice that a random comment we posted on an obsucre youtube clip (as 'whyteay') was a highest rated comment (albeit with a whopping 4 votes)...

The clip was of the old BBC start grid music which I remember well when I used to report from the pit lane for along with Tiff Needell (this was in the days when Jeremy Clarkson was a provincial hack and Richard Hammond still driving pedal cars around the back garden).

In this case it was from the Hungarian Grand Prix, still in its relative infancy but a good chuckle nonetheless, in 1989, the first year turbos had been banned and everyone was in normally aspirated 3 and a half litres (and Senna and Prost still held sway despite the bickering that ended in them only speaking to each other via pit crew members).

Good old Murray Walker keeping the flag flying by only mentioning the British drivers on the grid.

I had a chat with the (now sadly late) Michele Alboreto about his cracked ribs that Walker mentions at the end, in the exception that proves the above rule. He said he'd slipped on a patch of oil whilst eating Calzone. Yeah yeah, we believe you Michele.

For the record Mansell won the race over Senna in a real nailbiter that had the rough surface of the Hungaroring at least in part to thank...ah, I'm reaching for another travel sweet as I write these lines..

BFK's Dream

Benedict Francis-Kentigern, or BFK as we know him, is an affable motoring journalist of the old school. Dropping out of some big public school somewhere in England to pursue his passion pretending to race cars, he's acquired such an array of tweed jackets with leather elbow patches, arran sweaters and empty travel sweet tins, that you can't help but ignore him. Look forward to BFK's "weekly" reports on motoring, cars, and what drives the people that drive them, in his section to be found somewhere on the site.

Today BFK asked us to post this grainy and jerky picture he managed to take, somewhere in Tallinn,  of one of his fave machines of the moment, an Aston Martin DBS! Nevertheless it's the first pic we've ever posted here! So here it is...

Myths About Formula One Savagely Torn to Shreds

Benedict Francis_Kentigern, or BFK as he's know in these parts, is the PMC's occasional motoring correspondent. Here he sets fire to a few myths surrounding the interesting world of Formula One, raking over the charred ashes afterwards, if he remembers...


Myth No.1: "Formula One is dangerous".
BFK writes: This is one of the longest running myths of all. It was dangerous in the past as my previous post explained, but modern day F1 is as safe as a Swedish wendy house. You've more chance of dying than of being in an accident in an F1 race, even if you're a driver.

Myth No.2 "Children are not permitted in the Formula One Clubhouse"
BFK: another misconception. Children and dogs are always welcome in the clubhouse. They just aren't allowed to sit at the bar, that's all.

Myth No. 3 "Formula One is dull".
BFK: this is one of the commonest preconceptions about F1. Nothing could be nearer an abject lie. There have been several exciting races down the years. The last one, in 1982, saw one driver finishing ahead of another, and then only just, and that after a tense moment since for a while there it looked like the other guy was going to win.

Myth No.4  "Formula One works year round, 24/7"
BFK: Would that it were, but even those supermen need a holiday sometimes. In fact, half closing day for F1 is Tuesday afternoons. In Formula 2 the half closing day is a Wednesday, something that arose during the East-West schism and the council of Nicene.

Myth No. 5 "The F1 supremo has always been Bernie Ecclestone"
BFK: Whilst Bernie has been 'the guvnor' for a good long while now, and nothing happens without his say so, there was a time when Bernie wasn't head of F1. The post was previously occupied by a bloke called Dave.

Myth No. 6 "Formula One cars automatically run anti-clockwise in the Northern Hemisphere and clockwise in the Southern".
BFK: Not so; this is a commonly-held falsehood based on water flowing down a plughole. In fact the designers of courses have slightly more initiative the flowing water and on some course cars run clockwise, others anti-clockwise, and 80s driver Andrea de Cesaris wherever he god dammed pleased.

Myth No. 7 "Formula One cars are fast"
BFK: An optial illusion I'm afraid. Although they appear to be going very fast indeed, since the footage is speeded up, average speed is about an adult male's walking pace at a slightly hurried gait.

Myth No 8 "Your Granny could drive an F1 car these days".
BFK: Not so. Your Granny could NOT drive a formula one car, because she doesn't have a superlicence. She also doesn't know how to work the gears, and would probably reverse into some armco whilst parking.

Myth No 9 "All the formulae are numbered sequentially, 1, 2 etc all the way up to 5000"
BFK: It seems logical, but in fact the various formulae are based on prime numbers (remember, that's a number which cannot be multiplied, ever, and doesn't contain a zero or a 7 in it). Thus, it runs Formula 1, Formula 2, Formula 3, 5, 7, 11 .... and so on.

Myth No 10: "The chequered flag waved to show the finish of a race is sometimes utilised by bored officials and mechanics to play chess or, more plausibly, draughts"
BFK: Stop this, it's silly...

BFK Recommends Dodo - Shock

Benedict Francis-Kentigern, or BFK as we know him, is an affable motoring journalist of the old school. Dropping out of some big public school somewhere in England to pursue his passion of pretending to race cars, he's acquired such an array of tweed jackets with leather elbow patches, arran sweaters and empty travel sweet tins, that you can't help but ignore him. Look forward to BFK's occasional reports on motoring, cars, and what drives the people that drive them, in his section to be found somewhere on the site.
Hi gang, I just had to tell you about I new product which I'm really excited about and which has just arrived at the Puumaja. It's called Dodo Juice, and, despite it's name, isn't really made from a dodo nor is it primarily juice, but rather a vast range of hip-to-the-jive (or whatever the young people are saying nowadays) car detailing products.
Essentially, car detailing means keeping your car's interior and exterior uber-clean, and dodo juice focuses on the latter. No more ragged sponges from under the sink, and grit-swilling bucket of fairy liquid once every 3 months, you can now wash, clay ( to removed contaminants like bits of dead fly and deeply encrusted grime) polish, wax and protect your car, all using the Dodo Juice range.
In my opinion the waxes are the flagship products and they come in a selection of 8, four 'soft' waxes and four 'hard'. There's also a limited edition 'austintacious' range, which evokes memories of my old mini clubman days (well, I had a mini clubman key fob anyway).
These waxes look and smell very tempting (it was with a sinking feeling that my youngest grandaughter woke me up at zero-crack hundred hours when staying over the other weekend, saying 'Grandpa, this marzipan tastes funny'!) and have tropical themed names like 'Rainforest Rub' and 'Banana Armour' but there's a serious point to them. They contain Carnauba wax, derived from the leaves of a specific type of palm tree which grows in tropical latin america, and other natural ingredients including beeswax. This is what gives the waxes their protective oomph and helps to encourage passers by using your car's paintwork as a mirror.
There's a whole load more, including synthetic products called sealants, which perform a similar function to wax, quick detailing products like 'Red Mist', paraphernalia such as a huge furry glove nicknamed the 'wookie's fist' (for washing the car, it's a little more forgiving than a scouring pad I find) and even a spray called 'Time to Dry', which, believe it or not, speeds up the drying process after you've washed the car! Sunday afternoons in Shakespeare Drive will never be the same again, all the neighbours are going to want some Dodo Juice of their own now.
Well, they'll have to visit dodojuice.com to do that, or if in Estonia, they can always contact the Puumaja crew, who are now distributing this wonderful product, straight to your door if necessary. And...

ok that's enough plugging - ed

...Benedict Francis-Kentigern

BFK as we know him, is an affable motoring journalist of the old school. Dropping out of some big public school somewhere in England to pursue his passion pretending to race cars, he's acquired such an array of tweed jackets with leather elbow patches, arran sweaters and empty travel sweet tins, that you can't help but ignore him. Look forward to BFK's weekly reports on motoring, cars, and what drives the people that drive them, in his section to be found somewhere on the site.