The Lizard Brain Reigns Supreme..

My older brother Seth Godin posted today on something I couldn't resist picking up on. He calls it the "lizard brain". Well, he didn't originate the term, and I don't know who did, but he put a new spin on it.
In short, the lizard brain is that kind of primeval little blob underneath our "proper" brains, and it's something we share with the animals. It essentially deals with the "five Fs" (Feed, Fuck, Fight or Flee, Feel good). And a very good job it does too as far as it goes. Can you imagine having to remember to breathe in and out whilst awake, never mind when you're asleep?
Unfortunately it has zero intelligence. It's the part of the brain that makes a man (I can't speak about women) drink more than he should, smoke, get addicted to drugs, look at pornography, aimlessly lust after unattainable women (or even attainable ones, only to find he's cracking open and empty shell even if he does 'succeed', despite all the big talk and posturing - which is presumanly a function of the lizard brain itself).  It's that part of the brain that wants, like Winnie the Pooh, "just a little something", all the bloody time no matter what's happening externally (ever had a drink 'cos you felt bad? Ever had a drink 'cos you'd had some good news? Ever had a drink when nothing in particular was happening?)...there are others who explain the concept better than I, you should check for Mr Orange Paper's explanation here.
I'm only speaking from an informed viewpoint since I have a lizard brain myself, and so do you.
But I also have a human brain, a cerebral cortex, inifinite, sublime, divine even, if that's your viewpoint. We're not animals and yet the behaviour of many, many people seem to suggest otherwise, and I fully include myself in that appraisal.
What I hadn't appreciated is that the concept can also be applied to companies and products. The collective lizard brain likes to stay in the comfort zone. It's not only why people stay in crappy underpaid jobs for years and years, but even whole companies do it; it's the playing it safe thing, resistance to change despite all the boasting about innovation, doing something because it's what all the other companies are doing. And it may only be that tiny handful of companies that aren't the voice of the lizard brain who dominate when it comes to innovation (Apple is case in point). But again, I'm not really qualified to write on the subject when there are so many others who are - which is why I think you should check out Seth's post.
Perhaps David Icke was right all along...

A New Concept in English Coursebooks - Part Three

The third (and finallest) instalment in our merry ESL book..

INTERNATIONAL REALIA     


In international Realia, you get clear, relevant and accurate information about cultures around the world. You will get a chance to ‘sample’ their food (well, look at a picture), look at a very large scale postage stamp map of the world that makes the Mappa Mundi look like it was done on CAD, and hear one of the actors noted above putting on their best Manuel from Fawlty Towers, or the guy at the end of It Ain’t Half Hot Mum who used to sing ‘land of hope and glory’ in a Indian accent  before being told to ‘shaaaadaaaap’,  voices.

Sample listening script  from Unit 2, ‘Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag’:

Ho ho, Italians ride around on Vespa scooters eating ice cream, shouting ‘mamma mia’ and ‘belissimo’, whereas all Americans like to eat apple pie, drink root beer and play baseball every single day (near one of those yellow school buses). Irish people go to the pub all the time, drink Guinness and they like the ‘craic’. Germans are always on time for meetings and nothing ever breaks down. People in Africa on the other hand all have leprosy and they don’t know what rain is.


b) Sample discussion exercise:
 Place the following international heroes into the correct order (hint, the order does not need to be changed):

1)Comrade Lenin
2)Comrade Stalin
3)Comrade Krushchev
4)Comrade Kalinin
5)Comrade Gagarin
6)Comrade Stravinsky
7)Comrade Eisenstein
8)Comrade Tereshkova
9)Comrade Kasparov
10)Comrade Yashin





You may be interested in other products in the ULTIMATE range:


TEENZONE

‘YO! What’s goin’ down my main man?
We’re gonna be checking out some of the bestest bands around today – Tears for Fears, the Rocksteady Crew, and Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Titch are just three of dem. There’s gonna be loads of wicked info about the new ‘hula hoop’ craze that’s just come out of the States, and also ‘bodypopping’. Bodypoppers wear tracksuits, often in bright colours, and modern-style sneakers made by such hot brands as Slazenger. The music bodypoppers listen to has a heavy ‘beat’, and dancers are able to invent tonnes of brilliant new dancing moves. Would you like their job, dude?
Wot’s your fave music? Doo wop? Or skiffle? Or maybe you prefer the smooth sounds of West Coast Jazz, Dave Brubeck and all that gang. Drop us a telegram and let us know’.

….phew – I need a can of tizer already! That’s just a teensy peek at what you can get from the coolest language learning course in the universe. And it’s only 9.99 in the shops now, part 2 free with part 1, and there’s a free Limahl poster inside. Respect!


BUSINESSPRAT*

Quote of the day:
‘Hit ‘em. Hit ‘em hard. Hit ‘em where it hurts. And when you’re through with that, hit ‘em again’.
Walter Z. Gneisenauer, CNTCorp.

Look, you don’t have time for this, and you don’t want to go back to school – you dropped out at age 16 with only 2 qualifications, remember, but you’ve worked your way to the top through grit, determination, reading the right crappy management speak publications, and by murdering a couple of people. Well now you can put all thoughts of wasting time with your head in a book with ‘Businessprat’*, the newest concept to hit the market. No needlessly long words are used. Portable enough to use on the road or in flight (executive class). Each unit has six Bullets, which are aimed at giving you the facts and nothing more. All in no more time than it takes to loose off a couple of emails to Shanghai. Ultimate English ‘Businessprat’* range. It’s got legs.

Bullets:
• Agenda – what have we got in this unit? We run a few ideas up the flagpole.
• Are you serious? – the position as it is now, includes listening sections, all recorded by       REALLY SUCCESSFUL corporate men and women.
• Fast Facts – let’s do a lunch, synergise, network, put all our cards on the table, give it to them straight and roll out the most kick ass knowledge sharing depository the boardroom has ever seen. You’ll find our ‘earn language dollars’ marking system sexy as well.
• 15 second discussion window – because money multiplied by time and divided by   information equals goals.
• Grammar Hammer – yeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinking, it’s for geeky perpetual students who earn less in a year than you spend on lattes with cinnamon to go, but if you wanna get ahead you have to sound professional. Includes Brit section.
• The Bottom Line – at the end of the day, this sums up the overarching points, in the final analysis. Presented in familiar ‘meeting minutes’ format.


‘BusinessPrat’* from Ultimate English. Because money is an uncountable noun.

*now available for Blackberries, Green Gauges and other devices.


Have you visited our website yet? Why not, you twat?
www.ultimate-english.net.

The first part of can be viewed here whereas for the second you must click thusly.

A New Concept in English Coursebooks - Part Two

Part two of the new English coursebook which has got everyone running amok in the Puumaja..

TIME FOR SKILLS

Sample mingling exercise from Unit 7, ‘Let’s Spend the Night Together’

Imagine that you are the finance director of the third largest gypsum warehouse in New Malden, Surrey, England. You are networking with colleagues in the plasterboard business. Move around the room asking questions with the other classmates and respond to their questions. Now switch roles. And switch again, doubling back. Now complete the table below.

	Introductory phrases	agreeing	disagreeing	Talking gyspum
Student A	‘hello…’ ‘how do you do..’		‘no I don’t agree with that’	‘gypsum is good…’
Student B		‘yes I agree’… Yes, mmm…		‘I just bought some new gypsum…’

GRAMMAR EXPLANATION PLUS+

In grammar explanation plus, you get a clear, concise and relevant explanation of a grammatical point. We do not allow important grammatical points such as the use of articles (which are not covered) to be included at the expense of other less obvious points, which native speakers use biannually in the odd letter here and there, and in any case get it wrong.

Real life example from Unit 10, ‘With a Little Help from my Friends’:

Present subjunctive using phrasal (sometimes called multi-word) verbs in conditionally reported speech, where they subject is not present, and in the passive.

Example:

He said the Ferrari would be bought by him if he were a rich man getting off on the salary given him.

Complete the rule:

The____ is used when_____.

...to be continued some more. You can see the first part here if you like.

A New Concept in English Coursebooks - Part One

The  Puumaja and its resident ESL (English as a Second Language) teacher Tim Flowers just had to publish this synopsis which dropped on our desk some time ago. It covers a new ESL  coursebook which we think puts all the others (Deadway, International Depress, Cutting Wrists etc) to shame..The synopsis is quite long so'll be published in parts..



 

ULTIMATE ENGLISH from University Press Ltd.

Ultimate English is a fresh, dynamic and revolutionary new concept in Actualized Realistic Stipendiary English (ARSE) learning. It is built around fundamental core needs of the student’s interactional linguistic and intuitive framework and aims to synergise his or her deductive assimilation without detracting from essential lexical and cognitive necessities.

Each unit is divided into SIX sections as follows.

INTRODUCTION

Our units compete mercilessly with one another in trying to find the dullest, most soul-destroying introductory topic imaginable, thus rendering any potential chance of discussion still-born. Unit-by-unit you will be enthralled by such hot issues as ‘stones and where they come from’, ‘the first time I went to a furniture shop’, and ‘what is it like to grow up in Llanelli?’ Debate will be provoked from the outset with such questions as : ‘Do you have cups in your country? If so, how do you use them?’, ‘how old are the people in these pictures and how old are you?’, and ‘what is the worst personal health issue you have had to visit the doctor with and how was it treated?’

LISTENING

Our team has assembled a group of ‘resting’ actors, all of them card-carrying equity members. We salute their valiant efforts to inject some sort of meter into scripts which would make public service information narrators run off a pier. Don’t worry though, we present a range of very, very convincing accents from around the Anglophone world, rather than using, say a British actor to ‘go american’ for the odd unit or two. Because we’d never do that.

DISCUSSION CORNER

Sample discussion lead-in from Unit 2, ‘Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting’:

What do you know about these world famous people?

-Britney Spears

-Vladimir Putin

-Madonna

-Dimitri Medvedev

-Christina Agueleira

-Yuri Andropov

-the one from the Pussycat Dolls who goes out with Lewis Hamilton.

-Felix Dzerzhinsky

- Ricky Martin

- Aleksei Leonov

- Glen Medeiros

-Lev Yashin

- Leona Lewis

-Viktor Korchnoi

Which of them can you identify with the most?

 
...to be continued.
 

On This Day 350 Years Ago..

24th January 1660

"In the morning to my office, where, after I had drank my morning draft at Will's with Ethelland Mr. Stevens, I went and told part of the excise money till twelve o’clock, and then called on my wife and took her to Mr. Piercest, she in the way being exceedingly troubled with a pair of new pattens, and I vexed to go so slow, it being late. There when we came we found Mrs. Carrick very fine, and one Mr. Lucy , who called one another husband and wife, and after dinner a great deal of mad stir. There was pulling off Mrs. bride’s and Mr. bridegroom’s ribbons; [ie debagged them - ed] with a great deal of fooling among them that I and my wife did not like. Mr. Lucy and several other gentlemen coming in after dinner, swearing and singing as if they were mad, only he singing very handsomely. There came in afterwards Mr. Southerne, clerk to Mr. Blackburne, and with him Lambert, lieutenant of my Lord's ship, and brought with them the declaration that came out to-day from the Parliament, wherein they declare for law and gospel, and for tythes; but I do not find people apt to believe them. After this taking leave I went to my father's to, and my wife staying there, he and I went to speak with Mr. Crumlum (in the meantime, while it was five o’clock, he being in the school, we went to my cozen Tom Pepys' shop, the turner in Paul's Churchyard, and drank with him a pot of ale); he gave my father directions what to do about getting my brother an exhibition, and spoke very well of my brother. Thence back with my father home, where he and I spoke privately in the little room to my sister Pall about stealing of things as my wife’s scissars and my maid's book, at which my father was much troubled. Hence home with my wife and so to Whitehall, where I met with Mr- Hunt and Luellin, and drank with them at Marsh's, and afterwards went up and wrote to my Lord by the post. This day the Parliament gave order that the late Committee of Safety should come before them this day se’nnight, and all their papers, and their model of Government that they had made, to be brought in with them. So home and talked with my wife about our dinner on Thursday".

Scenes We'd LIke to See

#1
A load of British, American and Western European guys going to Moscow, St Petersburg or one of the Baltic capitals and running rings around the locals, cunningly doing them out of quite a bit of money not to mention belongings and self-esteem and making them look like a bunch of cretins.

#2
Anybody with two X chromosomes between the ages of 18 and 45 walking past a load of British builders and them continuing their work with great equanimity, not so much as diverting their eyes for an instance from the task literally in hand.


#3 a group of people involved in a protracted, heated and probably beer-fuelled argument/debate about politics, religion or some ethical question without one of them resorting to the Reductio ad Hitlerum, or Godwin's Law.

#4 somebody in Estonia accepting the given price for something with equanimity (used that word already I think) and paying punctually and without query.

#5
Somebody, anywhere in the world, who, having seen that they were being legitimately issued a parking ticket by a traffic warden saying "fair enough, I transgressed the rules and, whilst I wasn't going to be a long time I was probably a bit more than five minutes, and yes, I can see I could have easily parked in the multi-storey not 500 yards away".

#6
A bookshop which has a cash desk (or whatever it's called) totally uncluttered with nick nacks, little bits of card and tiny wee books with iffy titles like 'the little guide book to life', 'the hilarious book of rhyming cockney slang' and 'coping with a penis'

Have a Bath of Woodlice

Canfield, Proctor, Nightingale, Zagler, Hill, Robbins, Tracy, Aaron... step aside please..there's a new success guru in town! Walt Gleeson is a highly successful, internationally renowned author of motivational books and CDs and other products. With a career spanning over half a decade, he has enthralled readers all over the world, from Alaska to Florida and from Hawaii to Rhode Island, with such titles as You Can Do It!, You Can Do It! Too, Literally Make Your House Work For You and Become a Millionaire Whilst On The Toilet.

Hey there, it's Walt with a message which I know is going to set 2010 quite literally on fire for you!
If you bathed in a bath of of crawling, seething woodlice for dinner, properly washing all the necessary areas with a great handful of the varmints, I'd bet that, unless you live in Korea, it would be the worst thing that you'd experience that week, most likely.
But that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it! Apart from making a change from radox, think how you would empower yourself afterwards, knowing that you'd conquered one of mankind's primeval fears, namely that of small things that move too quickly for their own good.
You'd definitely see a massive improvement. I know I did. In fact since I first bathed in woodlice when I was a young man in the US Army in Northern France in 1918, I've made it  a weekly practice. There's simply nothing like it for energizing you, and work colleauges and family will really notice a change in you.  You can even vary it by adding centipedes
So go do it - have a bath of woodlice!

The Puumaja Isn't Haunted - Not Shock

After some months of living here I have no strange phenomena to report.
A few days after moving in, I wan't awoken by a strange cackling sound, experience some inexplicable changes in temperature or odd smells, nor did I find that furniture had been moved around in the night.
I was, it's true, disturbed by a crashing sound once but that was the cat knocking over a broom (again).
I'm not considering getting in a priest to battle drive away the non-existent evil spirits in latin, no doubt  getting a smack in the eye in the process.
No strange ectoplasm has issued forth from the taps, my child isn't disappearing up the chimney ( I don't have one anyway - as child I mean) and I think it highly unlikely that these happenings will reach some kind of crescendo, seeing me either fleeing in the middle of the night in the car, still wearing my pyjamas, vowing never to return, or them finding video footage a year later of my final night in the house.