On This Day 341 Years Ago

..the last entry, 31 May 1669 ..

And thus ends all that I doubt I shall ever be able to do with my own eyes in the keeping of my Journall [sic], I being not able to do it any longer, having done now so long as to undo my eyes almost every time that I take a pen in my hand; and therefore, whatever comes of it, I must forbear...And so I betake myself to that course, which is almost as much as to see myself go into my grave: for which, and all the discomforts that will accompany my being blind, the good God prepares me!

Well, maybe our eyes are almost undone every time we take up the laptop, so who knows if there will ever be any more entries. There again Pepys lived for another 34 years, dying at Clapham (in the Seventeenth Century that was nothing like as ignominious as it would be in the Twenty-first) having served as President of the Royal Society, and imprisoned on suspicions (never proven) of Jacobitism, though he was good mates with the former James II. He never went blind.

60 Years Of The PMC - We Don't Like Satire

Originally posted on 24 August 1961...

Since this blog began over ten years ago, we've had a never-ending stream of questionable publications claiming to be 'satirical' cross our desks. Often these pernicious rags are little more than schoolboy comics or student rant sheets, but few so insiduous, so inadvisedly crass and offensive as the sorry offering we received the other day, which calls itself the 'Private Eye'

Founded by Oxbridge just-about-graduates with evidently nothing better to do, the magazine if you can call it such, claims to take an askance view at the week's news, to uncover wrong-doing and to poke fun at pomposity. So far so good, but just how do these people think that they are imbued with some kind of divine right to send up their elders and betters is anyone's guess. What do their parents think about it?

We at the PMC have every faith that our politicians and our élites behave honourably at all times, and have no need to have their every move pried into by these delinquent would-be journalists.

We fully expect that the pubication will bomb; magazine publishing is an expensive busines and we can't see it surviving in the cut and thrust of the modern marketplace. This is nearly 1962 for heaven's sake, the world is on the edge of nuclear annihilation, morals seem to have broken down everywhere, and pouring out more of this dirge just serves to provoke people. It simply can't stand up for more than a few issues, not in a field saturated with  publications such as 'The Penny Review', 'Beg your Pardon?',  'Stiffer's Weekly',  'Just For A Rag',  'The New Statemen', the list goes on...We certainly can't see it ever holding a candle to the inherently superior 'Punch', not ever.


No, our prediction, and we are seldom wrong (witness our 'colour TV by 1963' piece), is that it will fall foul of the burgeoning libel laws in this country, thus bankrupting itself and returning to the antediluvian ooze from whence it emanated.

The Leopard

Tule Trenni..

..if you're in the Tallinn area and at a loose end or looking for a new way of working out physically, plus learning a bit about self-discipline not to mention some self defense skills thrown in  - don't go to the pub, set aside some time on a Teisipäev, Nelipäev evening (plus Sunday afternoon if you like) to come to Bujinkan training.

Bujinkan is a Japanese martial art based on 9 traditional schools as brought together by Soke Masaaki Hatsumi, a martial arts veteran, advisor to the movies and recipient of Papal Blessing no less.

Training includes both open hand and weapon styles, and self-defence techniques are taught.

It's quite physical; the author had done Aikido a little before which is difficult but not so knackering, and failing to drink enough fluids during the two hour training session led to quite bad dehydration sickness the next day (kind of like a bad hangover without the guilt)

It costs 700 EEK which isn't so cheap, but compare that to a month's worth of sitting in the pub talking about nothing to people you don't even like, it's quite reasonable.

Here's the website...

60 Years Of The PMC - Red Purge

First posted 28 May 1959..

The Ninja has been removed forthwith from the roster of the Puumajacrew's staff for overtly pro-Soviet sentiments.

The PMC - It Solves To Be Improved...

You can have a lot of fun with this random mission statement generator:

So, the PMC is happy to announce that:

"Our efforts involve demonstrating the full range of our dynamic metamorphosis with quality solutions and improved returns at all levels".

Then run it through babelfish, English to Japanese, then back again, for that authentic Engrish look and it becomes:

"It solves to be improved, fact of quality that is included, which the full range of our effort our dynamic is shown the return, make become deformed and all levels."

...so there we have it.

Thought For The Day No. 17 - With The Rabbi Anders Weiss

..religious leader, psychologist, spiritual guru and arbiter of good taste.. . 

"Most people we consider evil are simply in a bad mood and cannot control their temper".

L. Tolstoy (again)

(that's some temper, Adolf - ed)

60 Years Of The PMC - Sputnik 1

Originally posted on 5 October 1957

We congratulate the Soviet Union on launching the first ever 'satellite', which is a type of metal body which goes round and round the earth.

The satellite, called the 'sputnik' (which literally translated means a travel companion, although it is travelling alone) was launched from the Baikonur launch site, which is somewhere in the Soviet Union.

It is a great day for humanity. We predict that not only does it presage human spaceflight within the next few years, but developments of such a pace that, by the year 1980 we will all be wearing silver suits, instead of cars we will be using jet packs to propel ourselves around, we will have our holidays on Saturn or Uranus, and we won't need to eat - all our dietary requirements will be provided by cosuming a single pill once per year.

The Ninja

Do You Know Who I Am?

Nice quote on the Park Inn Pribaltiyskaya Hotel in St Petersburg -

"I am Engish and expect at least a modicum of good manners from hotel staff"

Oh well if you're English that's another matter, eh? How about 'I'm Guatamalan and I expect at least a modicum of hasheesh to be made available to me in room service"...

suddenly the history and drama of a city which has always been a bit different from the green and pleasant land and which, as Leningrad,  saw 1.5 million people (more than the population of Estonia) perish in the siege of 1941-44, people reduced to making soup from the glue scraped from cheap furniture and all that, I suppose they ought to have epxected at least a modicum of respect from the Nazis? Fuck off back to Bexhill on Sea or wherever you came from.

Oh well I'm only half English.

60 Years of the PMC - The Suez 'Invaded'

First posted on 29th October 1956

It's going to be bad news for Mr. Nasser I'm afraid. Exactly like Mr. Hitler 20 years ago, he seems to think he can occupy parts of his own country without asking for British permission first. Not on your nelly, Sir.

I predict he'll come to a mess yend as our glorious forces aided by our spunky Israeli allies send him truly on his merry way, thus securing peace in the region for many generations to come. 

Sitting on the afterdeck of the surprisingly comfortable troop ship, HMS Bollockbrain, the warm mediterranean sun beating down on me, and watching the Fleet Air Arm's Sea Venoms roaring over head, I can't help but feel that Mr Churchill was right back in the dark days of 1940 when he referred to the British Empire lasting for 1000 years. Oh, wait a minute, that's a french plane, urghh are they on our side yet again? Suddenly got a bad feeling about this.

The Leopard

60 Years of the PMC - Executions Digest

First posted on Friday 25th January 1952

The next execution is due to take place next Wednesday at Pentonville at 2. a.m., of the reprobate Lonnie Keith of Stratford, East London.

Mr Keith, 12, who may well have fired a gun we've since been unable to locate killing a body which isn't dead yet, will be hung by the neck until he is dead by Mr. Pierrepoint, who hopes to be back pulling pints by lunchtime the next day and as usual is offering one of his 'deep drop' specials to celebrate the occasion.

Mr. Pierrepoint uses 'Whiteknights' Tootpaste, double the dazzle in half the schemazzle, as does Mr. Keith at leat for a few more days.

Where It All Started...

The first ever post on the Puumaja Crew blogspot, 14th May 1950!...

What the deuces was that chap talking about on the light programme last night? Resume the Gold Standard? Never! What a cad. If we go back on the Gold Standard we risk losing the kind of currency control which, when placed in the hands of an expert such as the Chancellor of the Exchequer, ensures a fair deal for all Britons and the perpetuation of what remains of the empire

I predict great things for the British economy, indeed I feel that by the year 1975 industrial output will be world class, unemployment next to zero and the trade balance to turn continentals green with envy,  but this can only happen if we stay off encumbering mechanisms such as guaranteeing pieces of green paper with lumps of rarely-found precious metals.

The Leopard

60 Years Of The Puumaja Crew...

Today, 14th May 2010, marks the 60th anniversary of the launch of the PMC. Yes, it's hard to believe, but true.

To mark this auspicious occasion the PMC will be taking a retrospective of some of the outstanding posts of the past six decades. From Cold War to Coldplay and from Ban the Bomb to Ban the Burka, every decade will be represented, and includes highlights from some of the most talked about of contributors...Bertrand Russell, Hunter S. Thompson, Roman Polanski, Roald Dahl and Limahl from Kajagoogoo,  to name but a few - none of them contributed to the PMC's pages (oh, hold on a second, Limahl had a regular section in the early 80s)-

So, watch this space and over the  next few days, or until it gets really boring, whichever is first, we'll be presenting a post from deep in the inner recesses of the archives...

Tim Flowers Is Back..

Tim Flowers is an ESL (English as a Second Language) teacher based in the capital city of one of the baltic states. He is 42 years old. His previous job was working for the Post Office (main sorting office - as a superintendent) and this excellent and relevant background has given him a good grasp of the fundamentals of the English language, and the art of teaching it to others. He hails, as he likes to say, from Northamptonshire in England, a very glamorous part of the world indeed, and so is not at all out of place mingling with the glitterati of the Old Town where he hangs out on a Friday or Saturday night. He likes beer.

Hi all, sorry I haven't posted here in a while, the fact is I've been really busy, much more so than any of you.

I was mumbling to the white board through a hangover to a group of bemused students who just weren't getting it, misquoting all or any of Hunter S. Thompson, Blake, and Sid Vicious as I did so, that intelligence isn't so much a function of lateral cognitive ability nor even anterior conditioning as it is an expression of one's readiness to broaden the mind, through  taking a lot of drugs and reading in three months almost halfway through a 200 page book with a lurid pink cover, then spouting off about it down the pub

I could definitely have gone to Oxford or Cambridge, since I'm a genius, but I screwed up my A levels and went to Nuneaton Tutorial College instead.  Anyway I wouldn't have fitted in with those unenlightened people who called themselves an elite when I was busy opening all of the doors and windows of perception. This was 'cos I was doing loads and loads of drugs: gear, charlie, unabombers, vitamin K, you name it; there's nothing I haven't done since I'm so cool and I've seen so much more of the world than those hick billy government officials, company directors and airline pilots that I teach, no that they realize that.

The Guardian told me the other day to think that Chomsky is the latter day hero of the library-bound anarchist and I think this is true, certainly I was good enough to announce it in a crowded pub whilst having an argument with a spoilt brat who's never done a hard day's graft in their life, not like my upbringing in urban Towcester.

You know, I'm really pleased that I've got such a good mind, I was able to read the introduction to a biography  of Chomsky just last year, and applied that to a lesson once (by mentioning his name. Afterwards, when most of the people had gone).

Well, gotta go and observe a lesson and provide a pithy and incisive critique afterwards, and help some twenty year old who hasn't seen anything of the world

Most Effective Way Of Rolling Around On The Floor

Here's the old paper, stone, scissors in martial arts:

Brazillian Jiu Jitsu beats Wing Chun beats Karate beats BJJ.... except it doesn't, I don't know what does in fact, at least according to BJJ practitioners..

The PMC's Two Favourite Pieces of Russian Orthodox Music

..for what it's worth. A hell of a set of lungs here and here...

The One Person I'd Gladly Trade Places With

I believe this is real, not just an Indian David Blaine.

Apparently we all have it in us to override the 'lizard brain' and forgo natural desires that the vast majority of us gorge ourselves on on a daily basis

Bobby Sands and those burning monks in Vietnam spring to mind, although they all died of course  - this is the next level up, actual survivual for decades without essentials.

The whole area is perhaps much misunderstood in the 'west', although there are practitioners of these things I doubt that many of them are doing it for the right reasons

I just find it frustrating that we apparently all use the tiniest proportion of our brains in comparison with what could be.

Not advocating this as a way of life, just as food for thought when I'm next thinking about going to the pub, stuffing my face at the kebab kiosk or some other earth-crashingly original exploit like that.

Forced Inspiration Doesn't Work

As good an indictment of the coroporate brainstrorming meeting as I've heard and everything I ever wanted to say when I was "working" in the corporate world; Seth should be working at Skype.
Quote: "Uninvite (is that a word?) the devil's advocate, since the devil doesn't need one, he's doing fine". Ha!

Thought For the Day No. 16 - With the Rabbi Anders Weiss

..religious leader, psychologist, spiritual guru and arbiter of good taste.. .

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now, when?"
 Rabbi Hillel

..but then he slurps his soup.

The Silent 'b' Must Be There To Make It A Four Letter Word

Hooray, someone says something sensible about debt, the use of credit cards in particular with reference to cars (surely the source of some of the worst examples of debt, paying later for something that's started depreciating the moment you turn the key) .

Here at the PMC we're seriously getting rid of our 10 year old car and not replacing it at all, in part because it's not used very much, and just taking the equivalent amount of money per month (including depreciation costs, plus also the faffing around time changing tyres, doing this that and the other, which you can't put a price on) and using that as the budget for taxis and car rental.

Anyway Seth puts it better.

Harrr, The May Snows Have Finally Arrived

...and about time too. We at the PMC had become increasingly distressed at the naked appearance of the local terrain since the natural covering of about half a metre of the white stuff had disappeared. So how good it is to wake up on a Tuesday in May to find that the correct weather had reappeared after an extremely garish sunset last night.
Looking forward to digging our way out of the front door again in July.
This picture (not here but taken some way outside of Tallinn) shows what we want in full.

Recipe For The Day With The Rabbi Anders Weiss

...religious leader, psychologist, spiritual guru and arbiter of good taste and now provider of recipes to the unimaginative..

This ticks all the PMC criteria for meals, quick, easy, healthy, cheap and doesn't taste too horrendous.

Tuna Burgers with Nice Sauce, as we call it. Takes about 20 mins.

You need:
For burgers:

-1 can tuna (make sure it's proper pieces and not the offal that you can buy if you're being exceptionally tight. Buy the most expensive can and make sure it's in oil and noone's faffed around with it adding tomato sauce or other impurities).
- 1 egg.
- some breadcrumbs.
- 1 small onion (or half a bigger one).
- 1 stick celery (optional).
- tabasco.

For sauce:
- 2 tbspns mayo (ok it's not that healthy then!)
- same amount of natural yoghurt.
- same amount of mango chutney.
- teaspoon of curry powder.

Make the sauce first so you don't have to do it at the last minute. Essentially just mix the above ingredients in a bowl and stick in the fridge. Chop up the onion into small pieces or better still, if you have access to a blender and know how to use it that would be a whole lot better. Same applies to the celery though I don't usually bother with that. Beat the egg for a bit. Mash up the tuna with a fork and add the onion/celery mush, egg, about 2 tablespoons of breadcrumbs and tabasco. Mix it all up. Make these into burger shaped things (makes about 3, or 4 small ones) and dip them in more breadcrumbs to coat the outside. Fry in oil or grill, and top off with the sauce you made earlier.

Thought For The Day No 15 - With The Rabbi Anders Weiss

..religious leader, psychologist, spiritual guru and arbiter of good taste.. .

"Men must be taught as if you taught them not, and things unknown proposed as things forgot".
Alexander Pope